


You Could've Called (I would've answered)

by KonKon38



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Past Child Abuse, background Clintasha, but he has reasons, i'm so exited to publish this, ive been writing this for AGES, lots of angst but it'll be okay, past suicidal ideations, steve is a dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-09-02 00:42:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8644666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KonKon38/pseuds/KonKon38
Summary: It's been ten years since Bucky Barnes has seen Steve Rogers, ten years since Steve disappeared without a trace, ten years since Steve Rogers broke his heart.  (which is why Bucky totally doesn't freak out when they run into each other because it's been 10 years and he's definitely over it)





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has been a long time coming, I have the whole thing planned out and I hope you guys liked it!

"Funny how history ends in an instant  
How something so close can end up so distant" 

-Rebecca Black "The Great Divide"

* * *

 

Bucky walked the street, it was cold but he didn’t mind. Fresh out of the hospital, Bucky wandered the streets with slight unease at his newly regained freedom. The world was bleak around him, the cold fall air a deterrent for many people. He observed a young couple walking only a few feet in front of him, they were smiling and holding hands and it reminded Bucky of something he had a long time ago, something he rarely let himself dwell on. He kept walking till he came across his favorite museum, wondering if they had switched out the moving exhibit lately. The large majority of the museum remained the same, but there was a portion that rotated out different exhibits from different artists. He liked it there because it was calming, something to calm the storm that brewed inside him. He reasoned that the exhibit must have changed as he was in the hospital for a couple months. He walked in to discover it was the premier of this new exhibit featuring a local artist he didn’t catch the name of as he walked past the entrance.

The exhibit was simply called “Muse”. Bucky walked in glancing over the first painting he saw, and immediately he was caught off guard because the art style seemed oddly familiar. The first was an impressionistic painting of a young man who’s back was to the viewer. He had short brown hair and blue sheets gathered just below the waist of the subject, his bare back exposed. This troubled Bucky even more because it seemed so familiar but he moved to the next painting, the same young man was in this painting as well. This time he was facing forward sitting at a table in a small kitchen. He was smiling and Bucky could’ve sworn the waiting was something out of his memory which was weird.

As he continued to look at these paintings commonly featuring the same young man, the same familiar apartment, the same familiar life, something slowly dawned on him and his heart dropped. The man in those paintings was him, from a time that felt like it was a lifetime ago and Bucky felt nauseous. He felt a lot of things, actually and he had to leave—

“Excuse me?” A soft British voice asked from behind him. He turned around to see a beautiful woman with pin curled brown hair and red lips.

“Yeah?” Bucky asked, glancing around wondering how quickly he could end this conversation.

“You’re him, aren’t you? You’re the man in the paintings.” She asked.

“Listen, I think you’ve got the wrong person.” Bucky swallowed nervously.

“He never forgot about you, you know.” She smiled softly.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, I gotta go.” Bucky felt panic rise in his chest, this was great, just great.

“I’m Peggy… a friend of the artist.” Bucky frowned at her, what did she want?

“That’s great, well how about you tell the artist that I forgot about him, alright? I’m leaving.” Bucky began to walk off when he felt someone grab his arm. More specifically his left arm, he turned as he yanked it away.

“Bucky?” Of course, it was Steve, of course, it was. Because this was Bucky’s life and the world hated him. Bucky nearly staggered back, at the shock of seeing Steve after so long. He looked nearly the same, in contrast to Bucky who’s hair was longer, and face looked weary and tired. His face was that of someone who had been through hell and came back. Bucky was angry that so much time had passed and yet it seemed he was the only one to change. Of corse that perfect asshole, Steve looked the same and Bucky was miles away from the boy he was in the paintings. Bucky hadn’t seen Steve since they were 20, it had been ten years and of fucking course, Steve found his way back into Bucky’s life.

“Get away from me.” Bucky turned to quickly stomp off but Steve spoke again.

“Bucky, wait!” Steve followed him.

“For what exactly? Hm? You to drop back into my life as if you hadn’t disappeared without a trace 10 years ago? As if you didn’t leave me when I needed you the most? No, fuck no. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to leave without even having the decency to break up with me or telling me where you were going. You left me, and you should stay out of my life.” Bucky spat back at him because he was pissed, he was beyond pissed. Because here Steve was with his stupid fucking art exhibit looking the same as he did ten years ago, Steve was back after all this time and Bucky wanted nothing to do with him. He began to walk faster.

“At least talk to me, please!” Steve grabbed Bucky again, and Bucky whipped around to face him and froze. Those alarmingly blue eyes he never thought he’d see again bore into his own. Bucky saw a lot of things on Steve’s face, his youth, his love, the man who betrayed him a lifetime ago. Bucky knew Steve could feel left arm through his long-sleeved jacket, Bucky knew he could tell it was different and he didn’t give a fuck, he didn’t owe Steve an explanation.

“…What happened?” Steve asked briefly distracted by how unnatural Bucky’s left arm felt. Bucky ripped his arm back and shoved his sleeve up. Normally he didn’t show the arm in public as it drew attention and often got him recognized. He really didn’t need to be recognized right now but he was seething. Steve stared at the metallic arm in the place where his real arm used to be.

“I dunno, Steve! Maybe you’d fucking know if you weren’t such a fucking coward! Maybe it wouldn’t have even happened if you hadn’t fucking left!” Bucky knew it was low to blame Steve for the loss of his left arm, not that Steve even knows how it happened as evidenced by the look of confusion on his face.

“Bucky, please…” Steve trailed off.

“No. I don’t owe you anything. Stay away from me, I don’t want to see you again.” Bucky turned to leave for real this time when Steve shoved something in his hand.

“At least take this, it’s my card. It has my number on it. If you change your mind, please call me. I want to talk to you.” Steve pleaded.

“Fuck you.” Bucky crumpled the card and shoved it into his pocket as he stomped away.

Bucky kept his cool till he made it back to his apartment. Once he shut the door, he collapsed against it. He let out a broken sob as he slid to the floor. This couldn’t be happening, he was confused and angry and so fucking upset. The pain he hadn’t felt in a while, a pain he didn’t let himself dwell on, ripped open his heart. Bucky felt the hollow hole Steve had left when he’d disappeared ten years ago, leaving without even saying goodbye. Without so much of an explanation. Seeing Steve again threw his world off kilter and he wished it didn’t but fuck it hurt so bad. Bucky curled in on himself as he sobbed harder, he couldn’t believe this was happening. There was no way Bucky would call Steve, no way he’d ever see him again. Not after what Steve had put him through, not after Steve had abandoned him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> choo choo, all aboard the angst train.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd chapter here we gooooo

"Hold  
Hold on  
Hold on to me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady" 

-X Ambassadors

* * *

 

“Sergeant Barnes.”  
“Don’t call me that.” Bucky sighed it was Nick Fury, his agent.  
“Your deadline is coming up.” How did Nick always manage to sound angry?  
“I know, I’m working on it.” Bucky pushed his hair back out of his face.  
“Well, work on it harder. You need to get this damn manuscript finished now.” Nick said flatly then hung up.

Bucky dropped his phone on the couch next to him. He knew his manuscript for his next book was due soon, he just wasn’t up to writing it. It was a memoir, the first he’d ever written. He didn’t want to but he thought if his story could at least help someone he’d do it. It was something that was in high demand, interviewers asked him all the time when he’d write his story. He’d written a few books, some under a pseudonym before he’d come out. Which had been a mess, but Bucky never asked to be a public figure it just happened? All he wanted was to help others so they wouldn’t have to go through what he had.

It was easy to write about the time he’s “been away” in Afghanistan, about the domestic abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, Captain George Barnes, He thought he could write about his time with Steve. It was an important part of his story, but he found writing about Steve was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. Perhaps part of him had never let go, and he really hadn’t moved on, he was just lying to himself. It’s become exponentially harder because Steve was back and he’d probably read it. His therapist would be proud for being this self-aware.

Maybe he should call Becca, she’d help him. After all, she was there for him the whole time he was recovering from the “incident” then Steve leaving directly after. She had even put med school on hold for him. He laid back on the couch, contemplating calling his sister. He hadn’t even left the house for 3 days for fear of running into Steve. Becca was probably worried. He pulled up the contact in his phone and pressed call. He stared at the screen until it showed she had answered, he hated phone calls.

“Bucky! I was wondering when you’d call.” Becca said cheerfully. Bucky frowned, that means she knows something.

“You already know why I’m calling, don’t you?” Bucky sighed, she always had a way of knowing what was wrong.

“Yeah… Steve called me.” She said her voice changing to a serious tone.

“Fuck my life… What did he say?” Bucky exhaled.

“Well,… He told me he’d run into you and then he apologized.” Becca replied.

“So what did you say?”

“I yelled at him. He was important to me too, you know. I didn’t tell him anything about you, by the way. He told me what happened, and where he went. I forgave him, I had too. I can’t be angry forever.” Becca sounded sad.

“I can’t forgive him, I can’t do that.” Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I know you don’t want to hear this but you need to talk to him, so you can move on. So both of you can move on. It’s been ten years, you need to let go and you can’t unless you talk to him.” Becca told him sternly.

“I just want him out of my life.” Bucky bit back.

“You can’t do that till you forgive him and you know that. You have every right to be angry and hurt, I am too, but you have to let him go. You need closure.” Becca insisted.

“… I’ll think about it. I think I’m gonna go…” Bucky really didn’t even want to think about Steve, it made him nauseous.

“Be safe, okay? I love you.”

“ I love you too, Becs.” Bucky hung up.

Bucky turned to his side. He thought of Steve, maybe he should call him…, So he can get this weight off his shoulders. So he can finish his memoir, so he can get rid of this negativity he’s been carrying since he was 20. It had been ten years, after all, the first time he saw Steve he was just caught off guard. This time he’d be ready and in control of the situation. He pulled out the card he’d kept with him since he had seen Steve three days ago. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then typed in the phone number.

“Hello?” Steve’s familiar voice answered. Bucky swallowed and tried to ignore the tears he felt coming. He was thirty, he was better than this now, he wasn’t going to cry.

“I’ll talk to you. I don’t want to but I need closure. I have every right. You can ask me questions but I might not answer them, and don’t try to manipulate them out of me either. I don’t want to play games.” Bucky felt anger curl in his gut.

“Okay…” Steve trailed off.

“Why? Tell me why you disappeared first.” Bucky said his jaw clenching painfully.

“I was afraid…” Steve murmured. Bucky laughed humorlessly.

“You were afraid? Wow. Steve Rogers, the kid who never backs down from a fight, was scared? Figures. Did you think I wasn't scared? I was lost and you leaving didn’t help anything. All you had to do was fucking tell me you were leaving, but you were a coward? Do you realize how badly that fucked me up, Steve?” Bucky felt hot tears roll down his cheeks, he was pissed. He was sad, he was confused. He hated Steve, or at least he wanted to.

“I know it’s a shitty reason, I know that I hurt you. But I had just lost Mom two years before, and then I almost lost you. I thought you didn’t need me anymore, I thought I couldn’t help you. I didn’t even see it coming. I should’ve, but I didn’t. I blamed myself and I was a coward and I left.” Steve's voice broke.

“Stevie…” Bucky said softly, unable to stop the nickname from coming out. Bucky was still angry but he hadn’t thought about it that way. He knew that Steve would’ve blamed himself but he didn’t think Steve would’ve felt it so deeply. He didn’t think Steve would’ve left either, but he had.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left, I’m sorry I didn’t even tell you that I was.” Steve whispered.

“Why now? Why’d you come back?” Bucky asked.

“I decided I wanted to come home. I also wanted to at least apologize to you.” Steve answered honestly.

“Steve I… The reason I did what I did, it wasn’t your fault, as much as I’d love to tell you it was because I’m still pissed, but it wasn’t.” Bucky admitted.

“Why did you do it? I thought things were fine, I knew you were depressed because Becca was going to college, but I didn’t think it was that bad.”

“I… This was a mistake. I can’t… I don’t feel better I just feel worse, I shouldn’t have called you.” Bucky tried to not make it obvious he was crying.

“Buck, please,” Steve asked.

“No, I can’t. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Don’t call me back. Goodbye, Steve.” Bucky hung up before Steve could say anything else.

Bucky felt angry, conflicted, guilty, and scared. He didn’t feel better, he didn’t feel like he got closure. In fact, he felt like shit. He was right he shouldn’t have called Steve, he should’ve just gone on like he had the past ten years. Not thinking about it, and moving on. Now, however, he couldn’t help but dwell on his past with Steve, on the life they used to have. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but he had missed Steve. Before they had even dated they had been friends since they were young. Steve had been with him through so much and then he was gone. He wasn’t only abandoned by the love of his life, but his best friend too. It left a hole in his heart, it changed his whole life. Perhaps it was Bucky’s fault, he used to blame himself, because if Bucky hadn’t done the things he’d done maybe Steve would’ve stayed. Bucky didn’t know how to feel anymore, he was crying and exhausted. This was too much, he wished Steve had just stayed away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue in this chapter, but it was important. 
> 
> Now the question is, What exactly did Bucky do to make Steve leave? It may or may not be obvious, but you'll find out soon!
> 
> It would make my day if you commented! Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm at the dentist high off my ass so here's this chapter

 

"And all the people say  
You can't wake up, this is not a dream  
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being  
With your face all made up, living on a screen  
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline"

_-Halsey_

* * *

 

_He must have been only thirteen when this happened. Bucky heard yelling and immediately went to find the source. It was his father he was yelling at Becca, Bucky intercepted it and his father slammed him against the wall. Bucky watched as Becca scampered away. His father was yelling at him now, he hit Bucky and Bucky put up a struggle but his dad was strong, much stronger than him._

 

_“I’ll teach you a fucking lesson, you piece of shit.” His dad growled._

 

_Bucky wouldn’t cry, he never cried, he never showed weakness. His face remained blank as his Dad continued the abuse._

 

_Bucky felt himself slipping… it was bad this time, wasn’t it? He might have to go to the hospital again. Maybe his dad would actually kill him this time. His last thought was to worry about his sister and mother._

* * *

 

_He was a bit older now. Someone was with him and he tensed until he realized it was Steve. He relaxed into Steve’s arms letting himself be held. It was when he and Becca had first moved out he had been 18 and Becca was 16. They’d moved into Steve’s apartment. Steve leaned down to kiss him and Bucky let it happen. He felt like he was walking on air, everything was warm and fuzzy. Everything was fine and beautiful._

 

_Until he felt the familiar sting of sand blowing in the wind. He was still in Steve’s arms but there was sand everywhere and suddenly Steve was disappearing. Bucky tried to run after him but he couldn’t. He stumbled and looked down and realized his arm was gone. Suddenly he was flat on his back and covered in blood and dirt. He wondered if this was it. He thought of his sister and if she would be okay without him, he thought of his mother and father, he wondered his was really it? He was going to die and he would never see Steve again. He’d never see his family again. His last thought was that he hoped Steve was safe and happy and far away from the hell Bucky was in._

* * *

 

Bucky jolted up from his bed drenched in sweat. Where was he? He blindly reached for his gun but it wasn’t there and that disoriented him more. Where was he? He wondered again. He nearly toppled over when he stood. Wasn’t his arm blown off? Why did he have a metal arm? When did that happen? Where was he? He had to get out of here. He needed—

 

“Bucky?” A voice asked him… It sounded familiar.

 

Bucky froze. They must be playing tricks on him again because Steve was gone. Was he hearing things again? 

 

“Bucky? Are you okay?” The voice asked him again. He must be hearing things again.

 

“Steve is gone,” Bucky said to himself. He needed to get out of here it was dark and he was confused. 

 

“Do you remember when we rode the rollercoaster at coney island?” The voice asked. Bucky looked around, where was that coming from?

 

“You remember which one of us threw up?” The voice asked.

 

“Steve… It was Steve.” Bucky paused before he answered.

 

“No, it was you. You just told everyone it was me because you wanted to seem tough.” The voice spoke again.

 

Bucky didn’t respond. 

 

“Do you remember who old we were when we met?” The voice kept asking him questions, why wouldn’t shut up?

 

“We were seven, you were getting beat up and I  punched the bully in the face and as thanks, you punched me in the face,” Bucky responded slowly.

 

“Do you remember what it felt like?” 

 

“It didn’t hurt, you were so scrawny. I think…”  Bucky trailed off.

 

“Bucky? Can you tell me where you are?” 

 

“I’m… I don’t… know. I think I’m…” Bucky blinked rapidly.  Where was he? He focused on what could feel. It was soft… soft? They had never given him anything soft so he wasn’t with them. Was it a blanket? Sheets? He was in a bed… His bed. He was in his bed in his house. Wait. What the hell? Bucky jolted again and suddenly he could see the glow of his phone. He was breathing hard, a nightmare. He must have had nightmares or a flashback. Possibly both. Normally he grabbed for his gun but he didn’t keep that in his bed anymore so he always ended grabbing his phone. Sometimes he’d call Becca without realizing it but this time—

 

“Bucky?” Steve. It was Steve. He called Steve, what the fuck?

 

“Holy shit! Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” This was bad, this was very bad.

 

“It’s okay, Bucky. You used to have nightmares,but never this bad. Are you okay?” Steve sounded concerned.

 

“I’m fine,” Bucky said before he realized it.

 

“Fine stands for—“ Steve began.

 

“Wait, don’t you fucking dare—“ Bucky interjected.

 

“Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.” Steve finished. Despite himself, Bucky laughed.

 

“God, I haven’t heard that in years and it’s still just as annoying.” Bucky smiled lightly. He should be angry but he was tired and Steve’s voice was calming. 

 

“You used to get so angry.” Steve sounded happy.

 

“Yeah because you were an annoying punk,”  Bucky replied automatically. 

 

“At least I wasn’t a jerk.” Steve countered and they both laughed. Then it was silent… Bucky swallowed thickly.

 

“I’m sorry I called you it was an accident. I’m gonna—“ Bucky was cut off.

 

“We should catch up,” Steve said quickly.

 

“Catch up?” Bucky echoed. He should be angry, he should say something about how clearly Steve hadn’t wanted to catch up for the past ten years so what was different now? But he didn’t.

 

 

“We could get coffee or something?” Steve suggested.

 

“Steve…” They shouldn’t. They really shouldn’t.

 

“Maybe if we see each other, it’ll be easier to get closure.” Steve sounded hopeful.

 

“… Fine.” Bucky sighed, this was such a bad idea. 

 

“What?” Steve sounded surprised.

 

“I said fine. Don’t make me change my mind.” Bucky threatened. 

 

“Right! I’ll text you the details tomorrow.” Steve responded.

 

After that hey talked for a little while longer as Bucky calmed down, eventually falling asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep trying to pace myself on posting these chapters but I love this story so much and I’m see excited to be writing it for real and publishing it.
> 
> ALSO there’s a playlist for this story. With 35 songs. I have no chill. Listen to it if you want: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2a7SGFjQMcM-bdABsooDZmxrsHUZ5TJI

"If you're gonna let me down, let me down gently   
Don't pretend that you don't want me   
Our love ain't water under the bridge"

-Adele

* * *

 

“I can kill him if you want.” Natasha offered as she watched him get ready to “catch up” with Steve. He was shaking a little bit, but this was fine. He tried not to dwell on his nightmares and focus on looking presentable.

“Natasha, I could kill him if I wanted to. So no thank you.” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“I’m coming with you.” She reminded him for the twentieth time.

“If you put poison in his coffee I’m going to tell Agent Hill.” Bucky threatened her.

“I’m not afraid of her.” Natasha rebutted.

“I’m sure she’d let you keep your job after killing an innocent civilian,” Bucky said as he sorted through his clothes, trying to pick a shirt.

“I’ve done worse. Also, wear that blue v-neck, you look good in blue. Also those pants the make your ass look amazing, show him what he’s been missing out on.” Natasha quipped her mouth turning up slightly.

“I’m ignoring you now.” Bucky sighed as he changed into the outfit Natasha suggested. He had no qualms changing in front of Natasha, they’d been through a lot of shit together. He pointedly ignored the cat call as he pulled on his pants.

“Come here so I can fix your man bun.” Natasha beckoned to him. He glared at her but conceded.

“This is such a bad idea.” Bucky sighed as Natasha fixed his hair.

“That’s why I’m going with you.” Natasha patted his shoulder and finished fixing his hair. Bucky stood and pulled on his jacket and put a glove on his left hand. He slid his sunglasses in place the carefully pulled a baseball cap.

“Wow, what a great disguise,” Natasha said sarcastically.

“Shut up, you’re wearing a hoodie and sunglasses. I’d prefer not to be recognized. I’ll take it off when we get there it’s just… I don’t think he knows, Nat.” Bucky frowned.

“How? You were all over the news. You’re still in the news. Did he live under a rock these past ten years?” Natasha said as she picked up her purse and headed to the door.

“I have no clue but I’m kind of glad,” Bucky said as they headed out.

Anxiety curled in his chest, he had no idea why he agreed to this. He wanted to move on but what if he was just getting sucked back in.

* * *

 

They walked into the coffee shop and Bucky was infinitely grateful Steve had chosen a table the back. As Bucky walked over he slid his hat and sunglasses off. He noticed Steve was talking to a particularly handsome man. Definitely, military…. Bucky cursed internally, why did Steve have military friends?

“Hey, Buck! This is my buddy Sam Wilson, Sam this is—“ Steve was cut off by Sam jumping to his feet and saluting Bucky. Bucky sighed and saluted him back. So much for not being recognized.

“Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, it’s an honor to meet you, sir.” Sam held out his hand and smiled.

“And you're one of the falcons. Please, just call me Bucky.” He shrugged. Steve looked bewildered. Sam gaped at him. 

“Steve, you did not tell me your ex was Bucky Barnes, The American war hero Bucky Barnes. What the fuck man?” Sam said as Bucky sliding the booth next to him. Natasha slid in next to Steve and quietly introduced herself to him.

“I didn’t know.” Steve reply dumbfounded.

“Steven Grant Rogers, where the hell have you been? There are books, there’s a lifetime movie!” Sam was flabbergasted.

“Well, I was in England for starters,” Steve replied. England? How the hell did Steve end up in England?

“Steve’s never been one to be up to date with the media.” Bucky tried to smile but failed.

“You’re right.” Sam nodded.

“By the way, I’m Natasha Romanov.” Natasha took the chance to interject.

“Holy shit,” Sam replied looking shocked all over again. Natasha just smirked. Then something occurred to him.

“The Black Widow and Bucky Barnes know who I am, this is officially the best day of my life.” Sam grinned.

“You know Sam, how about we go talk about your wings and leave these two to catch up?” Natasha slid out of the booth. Bucky glared at her for daring to abandon him. Sam looked between Bucky and Steve, smiled, and went to a different table with Natasha. Bucky sighed and turned to Steve who was staring at him.

“You wanna go first or should I?” Bucky crossed his arms. Steve went to speak but was interrupted by the waitress taking their orders.

“You said you never wanted to be like your father, you didn’t want to follow in his legacy and join the military. What happened?” Steve frowned.

“You left. I needed something to do so I said fuck it. I enlisted straight out of the hospital, of course, my dad pulled a few strings. But as it turned out I was pretty damn good at the whole military thing.” Bucky shrugged. Steve looked deeply troubled.

“So… What happened?” Steve looked afraid for the answer.

“You could just google my name, you know.” Bucky didn’t want to talk about it.

“I would rather hear it from you,” Steve said earnestly. Fuck Steve and his pure golden heart. Bucky wanted to hate him so bad.

“I saved my platoon and civilians from a suicide bomber. I got blown up in the process, lost my left arm and then I was captured. Then a couple years later I was saved. Now I have a lot of medals and a robot arm. The end.” Bucky shrugged trying to cut out all the gory details because his time in Afghanistan wasn’t that simple.

“Bucky, I’m so sorry…” Steve looked guilty. Part of Bucky rejoiced in that, part of him wanted Steve to feel the pain Bucky had felt when Steve left.

“It was my decision,” Bucky said casually as the waitress came back to give them their drinks.

“Bucky…” Steve looked into his eyes and Bucky had to look away.

“So… England? That’s where you’ve been?” Bucky said sipping his drink, try to push down the intensity of the emotions he was feeling.

“Yeah, pretty much. I’ve been to other places in Europe too. I’ve only been back in the U.S. for six months, that’s when I met Sam.” Steve didn’t look into his eye this time.

“Why?” Bucky tried not to let his emotions betray him.

“I had gotten an offer from an art school in London. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t think I was going to go. But then… I used it as an excuse and disappeared.” Steve looked like he was going to cry, and honestly, Bucky wanted to. He was feeling things he hadn’t felt in years.

“You could’ve told me. I wouldn’t have wanted to hold you back if you really wanted to go.” Bucky said softly.

“You know you would’ve felt abandoned and I didn’t want that. But… I guess I ended up doing that anyways.” Steve sighed.

“Yeah, You did.” There was a tense silence and they just stared at each other. There were so many things to say but they were silent. Bucky really didn’t want to be here anymore.

“Bucky, I don’t know what to do,” Steve admitted. Bucky kept his face carefully blank.

“Me too, Stevie.” Bucky winced as the nickname accidentally slip out.

“What if we start over?” Steve suggested.

“I don’t think that’s possible, Steve.” Bucky clipped, trying to clamp down the anger that rose in his chest.

“Bucky…” Steve looked conflicted, and honestly, Bucky thought he should feel bad.

“I don’t know why you came back, and I don’t know what you want from me. But you need to get your shit together.” Bucky put the money he owed on the table and stood up. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Natasha begin to walk towards them.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said sadly.

“That doesn’t fix anything. Bye, Steve.” Bucky went to walk away when Sam approached him.

“It was nice to meet you, Sergeant Barnes. Sorry Steve is an idiot.” Sam shook his hand.

“He’s always been an idiot. It was nice to meet you too, Sam.” Bucky smiled feeling bittersweet.

“You know… I work at the VA. You should think about coming down sometime.” Sam said casually.

“That’s not really my crowd.” Bucky shrugged it off.

“Sergeant Barnes, you have four concealed weapons. People that are fine do not carry four concealed weapons. Here’s my card.” Sam smiled passive-aggressively. What was with Steve and his insightful friends?

“Of course Steve would have pushy friends.” Bucky rolled his eyes and Sam smiled brighter at him.

“I like him, He’s funny,” Natasha said walking up from behind him. Bucky chuckled in response and Sam looked like his life had just been made.

“What is it with you and bird people?” Bucky asked.

“I am not a bird person,” Sam interjected looking offended.

“I’m telling Clint you called him a bird person.” Natasha simply responded. They said their final goodbyes and Bucky looked back one more time to see Steve still at their table, his head in his hands. Bucky only felt a little bad.

* * *

 

When they arrived back at Bucky’s apartment Natasha pulled him into a hug, which was a rare thing for her to do. Bucky’s breath caught in his throat and he felt tears well in his eyes.

“Tasha, What do I do?” Bucky whispered resting his chin on the top of her head.

“What your heart wants you to do,” Natasha replied.

Bucky scoffed, his heart wanted a lot of things. He wanted a lot of things, but none them were good ideas. Why did Steve have to come back and screw his life up again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "When we were young" by Adele is the song that fits this story a lot. 
> 
> There's a lot of talking in this story, but there are a lot of important things to be said!
> 
> I hope you liked it! Please comment, if you'd like!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsUJqMe6lWI&list=PL2a7SGFjQMcM-bdABsooDZmxrsHUZ5TJI&index=36
> 
> It's Impossible sung by James Arthur.
> 
> It's also on the playlist I made for this story.

"And now  
When all is done, there is nothing to say  
You have gone and so effortlessly  
You have won, you can go ahead tell them"

-James Arthur

* * *

 

_It was only a few months after Bucky and Becca had moved into Steve’s apartment. Steve and Bucky were in the apartment alone, Bucky had the day off work and Steve didn’t have college or work. They had decided to stay in bed late. For the first time in a long time Bucky could say he was happy, he was free of his father, he had gotten Becca somewhere safe, and he lived with Steve. He had the two most important people with him and they were happy and safe, it was more than he could’ve ever wished for. He missed his mother, he really did, but she wouldn’t leave his father even if it meant she couldn’t see her children. Bucky tried not to think about it. He tried to not think about the day he had to leave his mother behind. He sighed and buried deeper into Steve’s arms. He felt Steve stir beneath him._

_“Buck? Are you okay?” Steve asked sleep heavy in his voice. Bucky felt himself smile, he loved Steve so much._

_“I’m fine, Stevie. I was just thinking about my mom.” Bucky kissed Steve’s neck. Steve ran his hand through Bucky’s hair and mumbled some comforting words._

_Suddenly Steve was kissing him deeply, It took Bucky by surprise but he kissed Steve back. Steve pressed him into the mattress, something felt differently. Kissing Steve was always intoxicating, it didn’t matter he’d been kissing Steve since they were 14, it always took his breath away. This time it felt more monumental like something had shifted. By the time Steve pulled away Bucky was breathing hard. Steve rested his forehead against Bucky’s looking deeply into his eyes._

_“What was that for?” Bucky laughed, Steve just rolled off of him to get out of bed._

_“I love you,” Steve replied. Bucky rolled his eyes._

_“I love you too, now come back here.” Bucky made grabby hands, it was cold and neither of them_ were _clothed so Bucky was very opposed to Steve getting out of bed._

_“Cover your eyes. I have a surprise.” Steve smiled at him._

_“Do I have to?” Bucky frowned, it’s not that he didn’t trust Steve it’s just… PTSD didn’t mix well with surprises._

_“Then just turn your head the other way for a second?” Steve suggested. Bucky grinned softly and turned to face the opposite wall. Bucky listened to Steve rummage around their room._

_“Turn around.” Steve sounded nervous. Bucky turned back over and immediately sat up._

_“Stevie…” Bucky gasped he felt tears prick in his eyes. There Steve was naked down on one knee with a ring in his hands._

_“It’s always been you, for me. I’ve loved you since the day you scared those bullies off when we were seven. You’re it for me. I’ll never love anyone like I love you, you’re the end of the line for me. Bucky Barnes, will you marry me?” Steve was crying too._

_“But… We can’t. It’s not legal.” Bucky whispered._

_“I know, I know it’s crazy. But maybe we can get a civil union, or maybe in a few years it’ll be legal and we’ll marry for real. I don’t care if we can’t legally get married, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Steve was shaking, and Bucky gulped down a knot in his throat._

_“Of course I’ll marry you, you idiot.” Bucky couldn’t possibly love anyone more than he loved Steve. Bucky couldn’t breathe when Steve slipped the silver band on his left hand. In it was inlaid a single diamond._

_“Stevie, is that a real diamond? How’d you afford this?” Bucky whispered in shock as Steve pulled him onto his feet and into his arms._

_“I’ve been saving up for a while, I’ve known I wanted to marry you for a long time,” Steve whispered back. They kissed again, this time deeper and slower._

_“No big fancy dinner or grand gesture?” Bucky teased when they pulled away._

_“I was going to plan something, but I couldn’t wait any longer.” Steve shrugged._

_“You’re an idiot.” Bucky cupped Steve’s jaw, running his thumb over Steve’s cheekbone._

_“But I’m your idiot.” Steve laughed._

_“Till the end of the line?” Bucky smiled._

_“Till the end of the_ line. _” Steve replied and kissed him again._

* * *

 

Bucky jolted out of bed, instead of his usual nightmare he didn’t even have a dream… it was a memory. He hadn’t thought about Steve proposing to him in ages. It had been stupid, the year had been 2004 and while they had a ceremony when they were 19 they were never legally married. They couldn’t even get a civil union, but they had the ceremony anyways. Steve promised one day they’d get married for real but in the end, he left before it had even become legal. Bucky glanced at his phone, it was 5am.

He sighed and fell back against his pillows. He was tired of crying, he was tired of being sad. He was tired of being caught up on Steve. He still had the ring, he knew it was ridiculous, but he had kept it. He thought maybe one day Steve would come back, over the years that hoped grew weaker but it never fully went away. Now that Steve was actually back, Bucky didn’t know what to do. Bucky didn’t know if he could forgive him, or what he even wanted from Steve.

He never liked to admit it, and he hadn’t admitted it out loud in years, but he was tired and it was early and he still loved that kid from Brooklyn. Steve fucking Rogers, the love of his life, the man who left him years ago. Why was he back? Bucky had been fine… okay, he hadn’t been fine but he was better than this. He didn’t know how to forgive Steve. He didn’t know how to let what had happened go. He felt lost for the first time in a while. He laid in bed for a while after he woke, feeling empty. Eventually, he fell back to sleep, thinking of Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was more of a peek into Steve and Bucky's past!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! If you'd like please comment!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there's a bunch of mistakes it's 4am and this is really long.

"I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me  
I still feel your touch in my dreams  
Forgive me my weakness, but I don't know why  
Without you it's hard to survive"

-Cascada

* * *

 

Bucky didn’t like to be on stage, he didn’t like to have a spotlight on him, but he’d grown used to it years ago. That still didn’t mean he enjoyed it. Here he was yet again at another Stark Industries charity gala, mostly out of obligation. Don’t get Bucky wrong, he loved Tony, he really did, but he didn’t love Tony’s flair for dramatics. However, this was the charity gala for the Stark Industries program that made prosthetic limbs not only for vets but for anyone who was missing a limb. So Bucky had to be here, in full military dress nonetheless, because Tony had made the first prosthetic for him, Tony also said he would’ve never gotten the idea without Bucky but Bucky knew Tony well enough to know he would’ve thought it up with or without him. 

 

So here he was on stage standing off to the side of the podium Tony was speaking at. Bucky was passionate about the charity but he hated all the people who wanted to talk to him, the other military officials who either hated him or glorified him. It was a lot easier to weed out people who didn’t like him since he’d come out publicly in 2012. The public backlash was harsh but the amount of kids who told him he was an inspiration made up for it. If at least one person could be helped he’d tell his story over and over again. That’s why he was an author at least. Bucky was dragged out of his thoughts when he heard Tony mention him. 

 

“Now, Sergeant Cold Shoulder is the real reason we’re all here today. He’ll tell you that I was the one who saved him, but he’s the one who saved me. As many of you know, when I was captured in 2008 I was held in the same prison as Sergeant Barnes. We were held in the same cell because he was the one keeping me alive and they needed for my weapons. With his one arm and all he pulled shrapnel from my chest that had it been any deeper would’ve killed me. He also helped me escape, and while we were held captive together I started to think a lot. What could I do to help people? If I got out, what could I do? I decided that if we got out of captivity alive I’d build him an arm, the best prosthetic arm. After all, he was the reason I didn’t die from some infection or something. And one day he asked me how we could make this technology affordable and accessible to people who needed it. Thus We founded The James Barnes foundation to raise money to help amputees have access to these new and improved prosthetics. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this has been enough sentiment for the rest of my life, I’m gonna go get a drink and hand the mic over to my good friend, Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.” Tony turned back and smiled at him. Bucky rolled his eye stop hide the fact Tony’s speech had gotten to him a little. He walked towards the podium and when he went to shake Tony’s hand he was pulled into a hug. He wasn’t really surprised, after all, Tony Stark really only hugged two people Pepper and Bucky. Sometimes Rhodey but mostly Pepper and Bucky.  Bucky took his place behind the podium.

 

“Thank you, Tony. For once, Tony is right, I do dispute his claim that I saved him. Sure I helped him survive, but he is the one who saved me. He was the first person to treat me like I was human in over two years. He helped me remember who I was and even though it was incredibly dangerous he was there with the team who rescued me. I think in the end we both saved each other because without him I wouldn’t be standing here, and without me, he wouldn’t be here either. Tony also proved to me that he really wasn’t as crazy as he sounded, and built me an actual robot arm. My passion has and always will be helping others so I let Tony experiment on me because I was the only one crazy enough to do it so that we could make this technology affordable, accessible, and suitable for civilians. I hope you all enjoy your night tonight, thank you all for coming, and please consider donating to our cause. Enjoy your evening.” Bucky smiled his carefully built for the press smile and stepped away from the podium.

 

He sighed to himself as he left the stage and endured handshakes, questions, and pictures. He fought back the anxiety that was growing in his chest as he managed to get through the worst of it. He spotted Natasha by the bar and headed in that direction. Natasha was wearing a beautiful red dress with her hair perfectly curled.

 

“You look stunning, as usual.” Bucky smiled as he slid up beside her. He glanced around for Clint. 

 

“I know,” Natasha smirked back at him. She placed a comforting hand on his arm, noticing his stress without saying anything.

 

“Where’s Clint?” Bucky asked.

 

“He’s not my plus one tonight, but he’s still around here somewhere,” Natasha said casually but Bucky saw the mischief in her eyes. Natasha and Clint were always each other's dates to these things.

 

“Then who’d you bring with you, Tasha?” Bucky frowned. 

 

“Oh, just a friend.” Natasha shrugged. 

 

“You have like three friends, that’s including me and Clint.” Bucky narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her. Bucky registered the music that began to play behind them as couples moved to the dance floor. 

 

“Let’s go wipe the floor with these amateurs.” Natasha started to drag him towards the dance floor without answering his question. Bucky groaned accepting his fate for now. 

 

Dancing with Natasha was easy, it came to him naturally. She had been a part of the rescue team who saved him. They’d been through a lot of shit together, so they were incredibly close. It so happened that they both were good at dancing and they bonded over it. Bucky knew people were watching them as they danced to the fast rhythm of the song. Much too soon for Bucky’s liking, the song faded into a slow song, so they slowed their rhythm to a simple sway. As things slowed down Bucky decided to question Natasha again.

 

“So, are you gonna tell me who you—“ Bucky’s eyes landed on none other than Steve who was walking towards them, “—Oh you fucking traitor. What the hell Nat?” Bucky glared down at her. 

 

“I told you, I brought a friend.” Natasha grinned at him but Bucky could see the betrayal in her eyes.

 

“Since when was he your friend?” Bucky hissed as Steve drew near.

 

“Oh look, there’s Clint. I should go make sure he doesn’t do something stupid.” Natasha smiled wolfishly at him as she walked away. 

 

“May I have this dance?” Steve stood directly in front of him.  Bucky glared at him as silence stretched between them. 

 

“You won’t leave until I say yes, so why the hell not.” Bucky sighed and put his arms around Steve’s neck. Steve slid his arms around Bucky’s waist and tried to pull him closer but Bucky didn’t let him.  

 

“So I’m guessing Natasha didn’t tell you I’d be here?” Steve winced when he accidentally stepped on Bucky’s foot. Steve really hadn’t changed.  

 

“No, she did not.” Bucky grits his teeth. God, it felt weird to have Steve’s arms around his waist after all these years. He tried not to think about how nice it felt. 

 

“That speech you gave up there… You’re a real good person, Buck. You know that right?” Steve said softly. Bucky really couldn’t handle Steve looking at him like that, it tugged at something painful in his heart. 

 

“That makes one of us, not that I’m all that good.” Bucky snorted. 

 

“Okay, I deserved that.” Steve laughed. 

 

“So did Natasha bring just you with her?” Bucky asked.

 

“Nope, she had Clint bring Sam. Sam was with me till he saw Colonel Rhodes, he’s probably still talking to him. I didn’t know Sam was so high ranking in the military, he didn’t really have wings, did he?” Steve replied.

 

“If I tell you, I’d have to kill you.” Bucky smiled, starting to relax even though he knew he shouldn’t. He honestly didn’t know how confidential the Falcon Project was considering it ended when one of them died and the other stepped down. To his knowledge they hadn’t continued the project but it wasn’t exactly public knowledge. 

 

“Right.” Steve dismissed him with an eye roll. Bucky opened his mouth to respond when the next song began and he froze.

 

“Steven Grant Rogers, you did not.” Bucky gaped at him. He hadn’t heard this song in years.

 

“Natasha helped.” Steve shrugged sheepishly and Bucky laughed. 

 

“I’m leaving you here on this dance floor, you are the worst.” Bucky was only slightly serious but swallowed a lump in his throat when Steve pulled him in close.  Bucky could rest his head on Steve’s shoulder now if he wanted to.

 

“Stay, I had to ask the DJ to play the slow version of Every Time We Touch and it was mortifying,” Steve whispered as Bucky gave in and rested his head on Steve’s shoulder, facing his neck. Bucky’s hands came to rest on Steve’s chest, and for a second it was almost like they were eighteen again.

 

“I honestly might not have heard this since we danced to it at the senior prom.” Bucky tried to keep his voice steady. 

 

“Me too,” Steve replied quietly. They swayed together quietly, Bucky drowning in the familiarity of it. He hadn’t felt this right in years. He wondered if Steve could feel his heart pounding, or if he could tell when Bucky’s breath hitched. Bucky’s lip trembled as he tightened his hand in Steve’s shirt.

 

“Fuck, I missed you,” Bucky whispered against his better judgment. He felt a couple tears escape. He felt Steve’s breath catching his chest and it reminded him of when Steve used to have asthma when they were kids.

 

“I missed you too.” Steve’s voice cracked. Bucky wondered Steve was crying too. Bucky wanted to be angry at Steve because Steve didn’t get to miss him, he’s the one that left. But Bucky was weak and he had really fucking missed Steve. They didn’t talk again after that. Bucky just lets himself be held and let himself pretend that everything was okay.

 

“Sorry to interrupt this love-fest, but everyone is staring. And you’re welcome, by the way, for me threatening all the press trying to take pictures of you and your new man, Robocop. Which by the way, why didn’t I know you had a new man? Why haven’t I met him yet?” Tony interjected. Bucky immediately took a step back from Steve, hoping it really didn’t look like he’d just cried a little bit. 

 

“Tony, I don’t have any man in my life,  we aren’t dating.” Bucky gestured to Steve.

 

“Listen, Buckaroo, This man persuaded my DJ to play fucking Cascada  for you. What am I supposed to think?” Tony crossed his arms.

 

“I’m Steve Rogers, It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr.Stark.” Steve held out his hand for a handshake but Tony didn’t take it. Tony’s face had immediately dropped and he looked at Bucky.

 

“Tony,” Bucky said quietly.

 

“Oh, You’re that Steve, aren’t you? Why is that Steve at my gala?” Tony looked upset.

 

“It's fine, Tony. Drop it.” Bucky glared at him. 

 

“Do all your friends know about me?” Steve asked. 

 

“I was the first one he told about you, I was his first friend after you.” Tony’s voice was rising.  

 

“Tony, don’t.” Bucky put a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

 

“I—“ Steve began but Tony cut him off.

 

“No, you don’t get it. You weren’t there, I was. I was there! I was with him in that fucking prison, I had to comfort him when he got so out of it he’d call your name. You weren’t fucking there, I was. I don’t know why you’ve come back into his life but I swear to God if you hurt him again I will ruin you.” Tony looked livid. Steve’s mouth dropped open.

 

“Tony, stop it.” Bucky dug his fingers into Tony’s shoulder. 

 

“Bucky, I’m so sorry.” Steve barely noticed the tears that fell out of his eyes. 

 

“You should go find Sam.” Bucky wouldn’t look him in the eye.  Steve hesitated but a very pointed look from Bucky got him to walk off.  

 

“You’re welcome.” Tony quipped.

 

“Tony, What the hell?” Bucky ground out.

 

“I could say the same thing to you! How did he get here? Why the hell were you dancing with him?” Tony frowned.

 

“Natasha invited him, and he asked so I said yes. I can handle myself, Tony.” Bucky crossed his arms. 

 

“She wasn’t there to see what him leaving you did. Hell I met you two years after the fact and you still were hung up on him and we were being held prisoner! I don’t like him. I don’t like him at all.” Tony threw back. 

 

“Tony, I’m an adult. I can handle myself.” Bucky exhaled slowly trying not to raise his voice.

 

“You’re a mess! I was wondering what you looked like hell, I figured you were going through a rough patch again, but it was him, wasn’t it? Why didn’t you tell me?” Tony was beyond pissed.

 

“Like I’m any more of a mess than you are! I didn’t tell you because I’ve barely processed it myself!” Bucky’s left arm twitched as he clenched his fist.

 

“You’ve processed it enough to slow dance with him apparently!” Tony exclaimed.

 

“I also knew if I told you you’d freak out, just like you are right now!” Bucky was quickly getting fired up.

 

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt more than I already have! He wasn’t there, Bucky! I was! He hasn’t seen you like I have!” Tony snapped. Bucky stared at him for a second processing what he said. Bucky glanced around to see people staring at them, luckily Bucky knew this tower like the back of his hand and he quickly pulled Tony through a private door into a hallway. 

 

“Tony, Look at me. We aren’t there anymore.” Bucky put both his hands on the shorter man's shoulders and looked him directly in the eye. Tony looked away nervously. 

 

“I know that! But I can still hear you crying, I can still hear you screaming in my nightmares. I had to see you be tortured and sometimes you’d get so confused you’d call me Steve! He didn’t watch you lose yourself, I did. You’ve been through so much he doesn’t get to come back and hurt you all over again!” Tony still wouldn’t look at him.

 

“Look at me, Tony. You think I don’t remember you being tortured either? I still have nightmares of not being able to save you. But we aren’t there anymore and you don’t need to save me. I’m an adult.” Bucky said slowly, Tony finally looked him in the eye. 

 

“Fine. But if he hurts you again I will kill him before Natasha even get’s the chance.” Tony conceded. 

 

“I have a feeling Natasha would help you. Now let’s go back to your party, Pepper is probably looking for you.” Bucky squeezed Tony’s shoulders then turned to leave. 

 

“How much you wanna bet people think you dragged me back here to fuck? Do you think it’ll make headlines?” 

 

“Shut up, Tony.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony will fight Steve if he hurts Bucky. 
> 
> BTW if you're one to pay close attention to details then yes I know Every time we touch came out in 2006 and that Bucky and Steve’s prom would’ve been in 2004 but I don’t care. I wanted the most 2000s song for their prom song and I couldn’t resist it being this one. Also, I cannot listen to that song without laughing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been awhile, but I'm back. "Writer in The Dark" by Lorde kinda inspired this chapter and so did Yuri!!! on Ice.
> 
> Also, this chapter is from Steve's pov to change things up.

"I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops  
I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me" -Lorde, "Writer in The Dark"

* * *

 

**_December a long time ago_ **

Steve sighed as he plopped down on the couch next to his mother. He was wearing two jackets, gloves, a scarf, and a hat. Even with all the layers Steve still looked small underneath. Bucky somehow persuaded him to go ice skating, which sounded like a terrible idea to Steve because it was cold and miserable outside, plus he couldn’t ice skate.

“Are you all ready for you date with Bucky, sweetie?” Sarah, his mother, smiled at him innocently.

“Mom, It isn’t a date. I’m not dating Bucky.” Steve reminded her, though she seemed to think otherwise. Steve pretended he wasn’t blushing.

“Are you sure? You know it would be okay if you were.” His mom put her hand on his arm.

“Yes. I know it would be okay, but we aren’t dating.” Steve rolled his eyes.

“All right, whatever you say.” She patted his arm. In Steve’s defense, they really weren’t dating. Before Steve could retort there was a knock on their apartment door. Sarah giggled when Steve’s face lit up but Steve pretended to ignore her and went to open the door.

“Are you ready, Stevie?” Bucky smiled down at him. Steve glared at Bucky to hide the fact he was nervous. Unlike Steve, who was short and lanky, Bucky was tall and muscled and he was absolutely gorgeous. Steve had long accepted his crush on Bucky and the fact he’d never tell Bucky.

“I still think this is a terrible idea and when I break my ankle, it’s your fault.” Steve sighed.

“Have fun, boys.” Steve’s mom called from the couch. Bucky and Steve said bye to his mom and walked to the elevator.

“Don’t tell me you're afraid of a little ice?” Bucky teased.

“I’m not afraid.” Steve crossed his arms as they walked out of the elevator and exited the building out into the cold city.

“Don’t worry Stevie, it’ll be fun.” Bucky slung his arm around Steve’s shoulders. Steve didn’t reply as he fought the urge to put his arm around Bucky’s waist, in turn, he kept his arms crossed while they walked.

Steve wasn’t stupid, he knew he had a hopeless crush on Bucky. He knew he had for a while now, but he couldn’t tell Bucky. He couldn’t tell anyone because he was already different enough as is if he told people he liked boys and girls they’d think he was a freak. He mom had her suspicions but he still refused to speak about it. He knew people would say he’s too young but he knows he’s in love with Bucky. He had loved Bucky as long as he could remember and he couldn’t handle it if their friendship ended because Steve wanted to kiss him. Bucky was too important to him to risk losing him, plus Bucky’s life was rough at home so Steve didn’t want to burden him even more.

Before Steve had even realized it they had made it to the rink and received their skates. They both sat on a bench to put on their skates, Bucky put his on faster than Steve did. Steve tried to protest when Bucky knelt down to help Steve put on his skates. He tried not to blush when Bucky grabbed his hand and carefully led him to the ice rink. It was late so there were only a few other people there.

“Come on, Stevie!” Bucky called out from where he’d gracefully skated a few feet ahead.

“I’m trying!” Steve was holding on to the edge of the rink for dear life. He’d almost fallen couple times and only moved a little bit at a time.

Bucky laughed at him and it took Steve’s breath away for a second. Steve ignored the warmth in his chest as he slowly made his way towards Bucky. After a lot of coaxing, falling, and several breaks they had made it around the rink once. Steve had decided hated ice skating but he loved the way Bucky laughed when Steve tripped. He loved the concern after the laughter as he helped Steve up. Steve didn’t even care how bruised he’d end up after falling this much because each time Bucky was there to grab his hand and pull him up.

“This time let’s go around without holding the wall.” Bucky smiled was if he wasn’t suggests something completely insane.

“Bucky if you hadn’t noticed I almost broke my ankle while holding onto the wall. How am I supposed to not die if I’m not holding onto something.” Steve would cross his arms but it required letting go of the wall.

“You can hold onto me, I’ll guide you.” Bucky was facing him and grabbed Steve by the elbows.

“You’re going to skate backward? That’s a great idea!” Steve said sarcastically.

Instead of responding Bucky pulled Steve closer forcing him to grab onto Bucky. Steve didn’t get a chance to say anything as Bucky began to drag him. Steve stumbled a little but tried to not completely topple over on Bucky. He looked up and Bucky was smiling at him in a way that made smile break onto his own face in return. Everything was fine and the were laughing until someone brushed by them making Steve stumble a little bit too close to Bucky. Steve looked into Bucky’s eyes and something in the air changed. Before he could process it Bucky kissed him. Steve was so shocked he lost his footing and suddenly they both crashed into the ice. Steve rolled off Bucky so their side by side as they broke into laughter. They weren’t sure why it was so funny but there they were laughing flat on their backs in an ice rink after their first kiss. Little did they know it was the beginning of something that would change them both so profoundly they’d never be able to forget each other.

* * *

**_Present day_ **

  
Steve snapped out of his memory feeling something change in his chest. It almost felt like someone had stabbed him. Their first kiss had been so long ago when they were only 14. He looked around his small dark apartment wondering what made him get caught up in that memory. The Steve and Bucky in that memory were far cries from the Steve and Bucky today. So much was different, so much had changed. Steve thought back to what Bucky had said when they met at his art show. Would Bucky still have his arm if Steve had stayed? Would Bucky have not gone through all of this shit if Steve hadn’t left him? He knew he shouldn’t dwell on it, he knew he couldn’t change it but the guilt made him sick to his stomach.

It was a risk putting on an art show in the town they grew up in. Even more of risk to showcase the paintings he had. But Bucky had and always will be his muse so he took the stupid risk and did it anyway. It was a shock to see how much Bucky had changed, it broke his heart a little bit. He knew he had no right to miss Bucky because he was the one who had left. He was young and stupid, and he hated himself for it. He hadn’t forgotten about Bucky in the years he’d been in England, he’d just been caught up in the life he was trying to have so he could bury Bucky Barnes in his past. He had really thought Bucky didn’t need him anymore, he also couldn’t face him. He didn’t want to see Bucky like that, he had really been a coward for once in his life. After Bucky did it, Steve was changed. He was struck with fear like he’d never been before. So he just left, taking with him so much grief. He had never felt so broken in his life, spent weeks crying in his empty flat in London.

No matter how much he wanted to come back sometimes, or try and find Bucky, he never did. Maybe Steve was stupid for coming back but he was tired of running away. Tired of living with all of this guilt, that still hadn’t gone away. Steve thought of the boy Bucky was before. He had been damaged at the hands of his abusive father but nothing like he was now. Steve tried to reconcile that brave boy who moved in with Steve at age 18 with his little sister. The boy who didn’t go to college in favor of saving up to send his sister to med school. The boy who tried to had his flashbacks, mood swings, and depression but never really succeeded in hiding anything from Steve. Things were rough but they knew each other better than they knew themselves… or at least they used to. There was so many things they didn’t know about each other now but Steve swore he could see his best friend under all of that suffering. Steve wondered what Bucky saw when he looked at him? Maybe it wasn’t as obvious but Steve had changed as well.

Steve had made mistakes, so many mistakes, but he was tired of fucking up all the time. So before he could stop himself he picked up his phone and dialed Bucky’s number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there are mistakes. I don't have a beta and I have ADHD so writing can get rough for me but I still love it.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's been awhile but I'm back hope you enjoy!

Eyes like hazel, twinkle in the starlight

Even when they're crying, even when they're crying

Constellations formin' out of scar lines

Even when they're dyin', love will still be tryin' —Bombs on Monday by Melanie Martinez

* * *

 

 

Bucky awoke from his nap to his phone ringing. He looked at it and scowled. Steve. Of course, it was Steve. Bucky’s thumb hovered over the red decline button. He sighed as he hit it, he really didn’t feel like talking to Steve right now. He needed time to think, or maybe just ignore Steve until he absolutely couldn’t anymore. Maybe if he ignored Steve long enough he’d up and leave again. That train of thought made his heart ache, but he couldn’t help but entertain the thought.

 

What if he started talking to Steve again? What if they caught up? What if they made up? What if he let Steve in again?That terrified Bucky because he was certain if he let any of those things happen again, Steve would disappear again. Bucky took a deep breath to calm the burning in his eyes. He had cried enough for Steve over the past ten years. He sighed and got up to get in his actual bed. He didn’t want to deal with this right now.

* * *

The next time Steve called him he was staring intently at his laptop editing the first part of his manuscript instead writing the rest of it like he was supposed to. Hell, it was his book he could write it however he wanted. So of course, while Bucky was avoiding writing about Steve, his phone rang.

 

It had been two days since Steve’s last call and Bucky had yet to speak to him. Bucky sighed and hit decline once again. He was too busy to talk to Steve right now. Maybe part of Bucky was ignoring him was because he wanted revenge. Not that Bucky ignoring Steve for a few days was comparable to Steve disappearing for ten years, but it made him feel a little better. He didn’t owe Steve anything so he didn’t even listen to the voicemail Steve left.

 

Bucky was about to go back to not writing when he got a text.

 

“Bucky, Please.”the text read.

 

Bucky scoffed slightly irritated and ignored the text as well.

* * *

 

Nearly a week and several ignored texts later, Steve called him again. He was at lunch with Natasha and She glared at him.

 

“Just block him.” She crossed her arms.

 

“It’s not that easy.” Bucky frowned.

 

“Then tell him you don’t want to speak to him.” Natasha narrowed her eyes.

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to speak to him, Tash. I just… There’s so much to say I don’t have the words to even start.” Bucky concentrated on ripping a fingernail off to avoid Natasha’s gaze.

 

“Then maybe you aren’t ready to start.” She shot back. Anger flashed in Bucky’s eyes.

 

“You can’t tell me what I might or might not be ready for Natasha.” Bucky’s jaw clenched.

 

“No, but I can tell you when something is a stupid idea.” She scowled.

 

“I really don’t need your advice on this Nat. This is my decision to make. Just drop it.” He said firmly, trying not to let his irritation bleed into his words.

 

She listened. She went back to eating, fixing Bucky with a displeased look for the rest of their lunch.

* * *

 

Natasha watched as Steve drew on a sketch pad outside his favorite Starbucks. She considered her options and she decided to storm across the street before Clint could try to talk her out of this because of course, Clint was here. Both as backup and as protection to stop Natasha from hurting (and or killing) Steve.

 

She slid into the seat in front of Steve gracefully.

 

“We need to talk.” She said tersely.Steve was visibly startled when he realized she had appeared.

 

“What?” Steve was confused, he recognizes her, of course, as Bucky’s friend who helped him get into Stark’s party.

 

“Helping you get into Stark’s party was a mistake. You need to get the hint and leave Bucky alone.” She was clearly agitated.

 

“Excuse me?” Steve was taken aback.

 

“I thought if he worked things out with you, he could finally make peace with what happened between you two. I was wrong.”She fixed him with her most threatening look.

 

“I don’t think this is any of your business.” Steve set his jaw.

 

“It is when you’re hurting one of my closest friends.” Her gaze didn’t waver.

 

“Look I know I probably don’t deserve a second chance in his life, but I know him—“ Steve was cut off by Natasha standing up and hauling him out of his chair by his arm. She was surprisingly strong for such a small woman.

 

“You listen to me. You don’t know him. The Bucky Barnes you knew is dead.” She clenched her hand, her fingernails digging into his skin, “Bucky Barnes died for me. He died for his troops. But the first person he died for was you and I won’t let that happen again.” She spat out. Steve could’ve sworn he saw tears in her eyes.

 

“Alright, Nat you know we’re not supposed to threaten civilians.”A blonde man Steve didn’t know appeared behind Natasha. She dropped Steve’s arm and whirled to glare at the man before storming off.

 

“Sorry about her, she’s a little protective of Barnes.” The man cracked a small smile at him.

 

“... Thanks?” Steve said hesitantly.

 

“I’m Clint, by the way. Nat and I served with Barnes. We were there when he got captured.” Clint turned to walk away before Steve could say anything. Once he got a few steps away, he stopped and turned back around to face Steve.

 

“Oh, and Steve? You don’t need to be afraid of Natasha. You should be afraid of Barnes. He’s a far more dangerous man. See you around.” Clint offered him a small wave and disappeared after Natasha. Steve could only form one coherent thought.

 

“What the hell?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leaving kudos and comments are my favorite things!

**Author's Note:**

> If you want, please comment, it would make my day!
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it!


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